What (couple’s/family) therapy does for an abuser by Lundy Bancroft

•January 14, 2008 • Leave a Comment
What (couple’s/ family) therapy does for an abuser
extract from “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft

The more psychotherapy a client of mine has participated in, the more impossible I usually find it is to work with him. The highly “therapized” abuser tends to be slick, condescending, and manipulative. He uses the psychological concepts he has learned to dissect his partner’s flaws and disimiss her perceptions of abuse. He takes the responsibility for nothing that he does, he moves in a world where there are only unfortunate dynamics, miscommunications, symbolic acts. He expects to be rewarded for his emotional openness, handled gingerly because of his “vulnerability”, colluded with in skirting the damage he has done, and congratulated for his insight. Many years ago, a violent abuser in my program shared the following with us: “From working in therapy on my issues about anger toward my mother, I realized that when I punched my wife, it wasn’t really her I was hitting. It was my mother!” He sat back, ready for us to express our approval of his self-awareness. My colleague peered through his glasses at the man, unimpressed by his revelation. “No,” he said, “you were hitting your wife.”

I have yet to meet an abuser who has made any meaningful and lasting changes in his behavior toward female partners through therapy, regardless of how much “insight” — most of it false — that he may have gained. The fact is that if an abuser finds a particularly skilled therapist and if the therapy is especially successful, when he is finished he will be A HAPPY, WELL-ADJUSTED ABUSER — good news for him, perhaps, but not such good news for his partner. Psychotherapy can be very valuable for the issues it is devised to address, but partner abuse is not one of them; an abusive man needs to be in a specialized program.

Also on couples therapy:

Attempting to address abuse through couples therapy is like wrenching a nut the wrong way; it just gets even harder to undo than it was before. Couples therapy is designed to tackle issues that are mutual. It can be effective for overcoming barriers to communication, for untangling the childhood issues that each partner brings to the relationship, or for building intimacy. But you can’t accomplish any of these goals in the context of abuse. There can be no positive communication when one person doesn’t respect the other and strives to avoid equality. You can’t take the leaps of vulnerability involved in working through early emotional injuries while you are feeling emotionally unsafe — because you ARE emotionally unsafe. And if you succeed in achieving greater intimacy with your abusive partner, you will soon get hurt even worse than before because greater closeness means greater vulnerability for you.

Couples counseling sends the abuser and the abused woman the wrong message. The abuser learns that his partner is “pushing his buttons” and “touching him off” and that she needs to adjust her behavior to avoid getting him so upset. This is precisely what he has been claiming all along. Change in abusers comes only from the reverse process, from completely stepping out of the notion that his partner plays any role in causing his abuse of her. An abuser also has to stop focusing on his feelings and his partner’s behavior, and look instead at her feelings and his behavior. Couples counseling allows him to stay stuck in the former. In fact, to some therapists, feelings are all that matters, and reality is more or less irrelevant. In this context, a therapist may turn to you and say, “But HE feels abused by YOU too.” Unfortunately, the more an abusive man is convinced that his grievances are more or less equal to yours, the less the chance that he will ever overcome his attitudes.

The message to you from couples counselng is: “You can make your abusive partner behave better toward you by changing how YOU behave toward HIM.” Such a message is, frankly, fraudultent. ABUSE is NOT caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can’t manage your partner’s abusiveness by changing your behavior, bue he wants you to think that you can. He says or leads you to believe, that “if you stop doing the things that upset me, and take better care of my needs, I will become a nonabusive partner.” It never materializes. And even if it worked, even if you could stop his abusiveness by catering to his every whim, is that a healthy way to live? If the way you behave in the relationship is a response to the threat of abuse, are you a voluntary participant? If you have issues you would like to work on with a couples counselor, wait until your partner has been COMPLETELY ABUSE-FREE for two years. Then you might be able to work on some of the problems that truly are mutual ones.



•January 5, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I just wanted YOU to know (and you know who you are!), that I’m too through with it all.  I’m not scared of you anymore.  I’m not going to roll over and play dead for you when you bark.  I will stand up and fight for what is right.  I have the strength and determination to get through this.  Do you?  And I will do all of this with the pride and dignity you didn’t think I had.

How did I get here?

•January 5, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I’ve realized that in just under a month I’ll be 37 years old.  How on earth did I get to be my parents age?  I sit and wonder where the time went and how fast it went.  Then I realize that I’ve fit a lot of stuff into my life during the last 37 years.

 My parents were great parents.  Of course we had our dysfunctional moments, who doesn’t?  But, overall, I was very loved and even a little spoiled.  Hell, I still am.  I grew up in a small farming village in Michigan.  My mom’s parents had a farm.  I loved spending time there.  I didn’t have a lot of “human” friends till I was a little older.  I was actually very shy when I was younger.  My friends were the animals (cows, cats, rabbits, goats, etc.) on my grandparents farm. 

I even had a baby cow living in my garage when I was 6.  His name was Snowball.  I loved that cow!  I even remember going out to his pen one day and seeing a praying mantis.  Then, the unthinkable happened!  I went to school one morning and everything was normal.  I came home that night and Snowball was GONE!!!!  Yep, that’s right!  Snowball was now dinner!!!!  Thankfully, I recently found out, not on OUR table, but do you know how traumatic that is for a little kid!!!!!!!

My dad’s mom was a stay at home mom and dad’s dad was a mechanic for the airplane hanger for Upjohns (now know as Pfizer – evil bastards!).  He was the first one ever hired!  I spent the other part of my childhood playing on the private jets.  So this is where my love for animals and airplanes comes from.

 Both my grandfathers and my dad were private pilots but I don’t remember much of that.  I know I have a vague memory of being in a little four-seater Cessna (won’t do that again!).  But my strongest memory is when we went to the airport and I was standing outside the plane.  Obviously someone was inside the plane messing with the wing flaps but I didn’t see them.  All I knew was that the plane was waving at me!!!  How cool is that to a little kid!

Then there is my extended family, but we’ll talk about them at another time. 

So, for the most part, I grew up and behaved.  Nothing major ever happened to me in my life.  Went to school, got good enough grades to graduate, worked, and figure skated.  That was pretty much my life.

 I had my rebelious times but they were few and far between.  I prefered harmless fun.  And, I actually hung out with my ministers kids when I was in high school.  They can be naughty!  But we had a lot of fun!

There was one time after church that we were all extremely bored.  So we decided to go TP peoples homes.  For those of you who aren’t from Michigan, that’s where you take rolls of toilet paper and go around to your friend’s homes and throw it up into the trees.  Usually you do this in the middle of the night, not at noon right after church on a bright, sunny day.  It doesn’t work too well.  So we had the brilliant idea to TP the rooms of our friends!  It’s amazing how many parents will actually let you come into their home and do this to their kids!

So I graduated and decided that it was a smart thing to get married a month after.  And that’s where I’ve been for the last 18 years.  I’ve lived in Germany and Maryland, spent time in England with some of my most favorite people, and have two beautiful children from it all. 

Now, I’m beginning on the next chapter of my life.  I don’t know where it’s going to take me but I’ve learned a lot from the first part.   I’m going to work hard on not making the same mistakes twice, opening myself a little more, and trusting a little more.

Hello world!

•January 4, 2008 • 1 Comment

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